The Druid's Keep

I dunno why but life seems to suck. This is so stupid because it seems that I have so much going for me, a girlfriend that loves me, a good place to live for now, school that I am smart enough to do good at but for some reason don't put the effort in. I feel depressed, it's like I know that there must be something worthwhile in terms of life and living but I can't figure out what it is. I see all these people that love to live and embrace life and try really hard and do really well, but what's the point really in the end? To enjoy it? What about the people like my sis, who doesn't really. She seems to spend all of her time doing schoolwork and it's important to her, but why? I just don't get it. I know that my mom has been cramming the importance of doing well down our throats for our entire lives but I don't see where it leads. For my sis, perhaps a job, but she's so crazy driven that she'll spend all of her time doing well and making money and then never ttake time to enjoy life. I'm having trouble trying at school because though I feel that I should just put the effort in no matter how much it sucks now and that in the end when I have my degree and get a job I like it will have been worth it, I for some reason can't make myself pay attention. I am now like those high school kids I always despised, always late or skipping class and not seeming to care at all. Only problem is that it's costing me $430 a course and I don't want that to be a waste, but then it's not really the money either, my attitude towards money has always been that as long as I don't worry about it, I will always have enough, within reason, obviouslt I have to work, I just don't worry and it has served me well so far... but really I feel guilty all the time because I know that I could do much better but don't bother, I feel happy if I put in real effort and out comes a very nice thing and it gets a good mark. I can't remember the last time that happened. Just today, I decided to hand in my cpsc thing where I could have added more things and gotten more marks. Instead I decided that I didn't feel like working on it and handed it in - early. And as for friends, that's probably part of it, I have always been competitve. I like to know someone that's just a little smarter then me in my classes to compete with - it walmost makes it worthwhile, I've always had someone like that - Myron in Uni. but when I transfered, I no longer knew anyone in my classes and I haven't met anyone new. I bring myself down and don't know how, or don't care to fix things. It's like I've completely drawn myself into my shell. I won't walk into a classroom 5 minutes late because I'm scared - really scared of what people will think. I don't look at cars directly as they pass because I don't want the drivers to see me looking. I avaiod people at all cost. I look back at how I used to be, the last ffew years and feel that I've lost something, I've gone back to the way I was in junior high except that back then I cared about and spent a lot of time on school. I want to be less shy, and the only way is to practice, but it's almost as if my only opportunity to practice is with people that are too high up, I need to start on something lower - like first day of first year type feeling where everyone is meeting new people, but that will never exist again for me.I don't know how to meet people, I can tell myself what to do and how they really won't ridicule me all I want but it doesn't help, when it comes down to it, whether I think I will or not, I just end up sitting there, with me head down and my caot on the seat next to me so that no one will sit there, they wouldn't talk to me anyways, and I certainly won't talk to them. I wish I knew someone like me - so shy. But that wil neve happen because shy people don't make many friend and so I've got a double negative against me, nut too likely. I just wish I cared about school. Sometimes I do. it has to do with the feelings of accomplishment mostly. or at least the feeling that I want to accomplish and learn stuff to feel accomplished, so that maybe other people will look up to me and ask questions when they need to know something. I am one of those people that when asked a question, I won't say I don't know and leave it and I won't ask someone else, I'll find out the answer myself, and along the way probably stuble accross a lot of related useless info and so I do quite often know the answer already to a gerat multitude of quiestion that people may ask. I like the idea of a lot of things, but actually doing them, is often quite something different. I'm sure that a lot of people have very similar problems. Any suggestions? I just have to wonder if I'm wasting my time here, I don't want to spend my life saving and preparing for the future until there is no future anymore and I die. I want to enjoy life along the way, but I have to balance and right now, the work part is lacking. The fact that I'm managing to keep up in my courses even sort of tells me that I'm smart enough to do really well and that;s what I want, so maybe that's what I'll have to get...

sorry about the blitter but I'm tired and doneish and need to sleep.

night

-Allanon