The Druid's Keep

I have a lot of stuff to say. I know that I haven't updated in a long time. A lot of stuff has happened lately. I wonder as to the truths that I read, as compared to what I see, odd how, when we are hidding behind a computer screen, where no one is listening to what we say until it's all been said, where even when we do say stuff, even if we expect a ersponce, it seldom comes. Does everybody hide? Are there any truly happy people out there, or is everyone just pretending to be happy to each other, while inside we all just writh in pain and suffer and hate ourselves and are convinced that we suck and why is it that everyone is so unhappy? Is it because they were brought up in a screwy environment, or maybe it's because they have unhappy friends, maybe it's a chemical thing, I just don't know, probably something different for everyone. Just I suppose that it seems that unhappy people seem to attract each other, cutters seem to come together, and it can be good or bad, I've seen both. I'm just trying to collect my thoughts. My mom is going through some tough stuff at work but when I asked her about it, and started to feel sorry because she's obviously upset, all of a sudden, she yells at me about how Blaze and I had been changing after a hot tub at the same time, and I'm to promise not to do that under her roof again - suddenly I'm not feeling so sorry for her, and people wonder why I don't like her all that much.

I feel like an outcast among the people that I spend time with, because while I seem also to be atracted to people, whom I see as generally unhappy, I don't see myself that way. Also I don't see myself as being inteligent like them, and find it difficult to converse at the same level as they, because I don't have as many life experiences to draw upon, I don't have a good memory for coming up with random tidbits of pertinent information to add into a conversation in such a way that makes me fit in, and I just get the feeling that peaople see me as the outsider and don't really accept me. I feel like I get invited to things because I'm blazes guy, but I want friends to be friends because they like me for me and unforetuneately, I'm just not all that interesting. I tend to hide myself and try to blend in with the wall so as to not stand out, because I'm afraid to be noticed because of what people will think, and of course why the fuck would anyone want to know me, I personally think that I'm a pretty interesting guy, but the people who are like me are not like me, they either and the computer guys, that are shallow and just talk about computers all the time, or they and the depressed people that I for some reason like to hang out with, but never become very comfortable with because I myself am not generally depressed - at most moderately unhappy.

I'm blabbing, but it feels good to get it out. Today I worked at Heritage Park in the snow. It sucked because at heritage park the snow doesn't melt when it hits the ground like in the rest of the city, so I spent the first five hours of my day, shovelling snow or blowing snow, because wonder of wonders, today, being tuesday, a day that would normally have been a park is closed day, was instead seniors 'get free food' day. And so 1500 seniors showed up and that was interesting, but I got some free food out of it, so I don't mind too much. I just wish that I hadn't gotten my gloves so wet, because my hands got really cold. A good point is that Jill worked with us for the day and she is much core fun to look at then the grounds guys ;)

I want to get to know people, and I'm glad that I spend the summer at the park. I had a lot of fun, generally, just doing things with people and talking to people. At least they know who I am now. We'll just have to see if I can make it into anything more as time goes on. It's up to me to make the effort.

Anyways, seeing as I've written a fair ammount, and it's getting late for me, I'm going to close and say goodnight, and just to all the people who know me and are actually reading this; thanks for reading it all, and I'm just glad to know you, it means more to me then you probably realize.

-Allanon