The Druid's Keep

I'm feeling very strange, and have been for some time. I'm feeling like I'm at a crossroads and can make the choice to start living my life, honestly and openly and properly, or keep on as I am now, hidden, unhappy and broken. It's been so long since I've been honest with myself, but it's starting to come out, along with getting a job and thinking seriously about moving out for the first time and really thinking about the next step, and what I want it to be like and how god awful much I want to take charge for once in my life! I'm feeling just completely in tatters, it's amazing how different things can seem depending how you look at them. I act like a little kid most of the time, making witless stupid little funnies, taking no responsibility for anything, and lying to myself every moment of every day. Putting others first and at the same time getting so frustrated at myself for it and I'm always angry but have to hide it, so you get these outbursts and they come out with those who I'm most comfortable around so I drive away everyone that is close, but does it matter???

The last couple of days it's got-ten worse. I would probably write this somewhere else but I don't have another online diary and paper would almost be worse. I'm afraid of what I'm feeling. I don't want to drive away the safe,but at the same time, I can't help but wonder what else could there be? I've always taken he safe road, no craziness, nothing. But can you get the most out of life by taking what comes to you? Or should you go out and get what you want? It's obvious what I'm thinking now, but it's complicated, not that easy. As an example, I just went out and got a job full time starting in May doing something that I'm interested in. Tonight my cousin (that I've been doing some work for without any pay) mentions that he's definitely going to need me full-time for the summer... dilemma what to do? Well the answer is obvious but I get so nervous so I haven't told him that I already got a job, instead I avoided him and spent the evening in constant fear that someone would mention this job thing!!! Does this make sense, no! Obviously, I need to tell him, and I do plan to continue working for him when I'm not at the other job, but I'm afraid. Of what? Maybe he'll get mad. Bad reason I know, that's the point, it makes no sense. I need to stand up for myself more, for all I know he'll not care at all, I mean other people have hobs and it's not like I'm going to quit this job and he'll never know, it's not as if I can hide it when it starts. In fact the only reason he'd be mad is because I didn't tell him.

If only I could freely talk about what all of this is really about. I'm feeling very alive right now, in comparison I would have to describe that last several years as having felt increasingly dead. I pretend to be happy and do my best to laugh at things because that at least is better then getting depressed - at least people still want to be around me, but isn't it true that people are inherently uneasy around those who hide. I know some wonderfully uncomplicated people. They don't have anything to hide, so they are always very open and I like being with people like that more then anything else. But poor them having to be around me! Part of the problem is I am a guy and I get along best with girls and honestly, and this is true of all guys, and guy and a girl being friends is great but if the girl is pretty and appealing, the guy's going to think about her is 'those' kinds of ways, that's just the way it works. I hardly know any girls that I haven't thought about, and I admit it, it doesn't bother me, it's actually a lot of fun, but of course this is the sort of thing you have to hide when you're around her, so even if she's totally open, you are almost forced to be hiding stuff right off the bat. And I don't know girls that well but I'm sure they don't want guys staring or hitting on them, especially when it's their friends boyfriend. What do I do? I mean if I want to make some good friends, really connect with people, I need to learn how to not get so worried about what I say. I think that people generally like me so I don't really need to worry about that, but my conversations are almost always trivial because no one wants to risk getting into the deeper stuff and until lately it hasn't seemed to matter.

I'm feeling so many strong emotions right now that my chest has been hurting for hours and my throat is tighter then it's ever been. I'm only had such strong emotions once that I can remember and this is worse. I'm feeling torn, heartbroken, lost and I don't know what to do, I'm at the constant edge of tears and it's driving me nuts and even in here I can't talk about things completely openly because it's just not worth it!

I watched a movie tonight and for me it was amazing, exactly what I needed, not your typical movie with a plot per se, here is what happens: Two people meet on a train in Europe and start talking, decide to both get off at the same stop and spend the evening and night wandering around Vienna, talking and just generally falling in love, until the next morning when the guy had to catch a plane back to America, never to see each other again. Sounds corny? Well it is but it's also one of the most touching love stories I've seen. It was just touching and stuck an incredible number of nerves in me at this moment. I think it's just the type of movie that you need to watch alone, at night with the lights out and no distractions, and really listen to what they have to say. And you have to be in the right mood.

If anyone is still reading (hahaha, well maybe some of you...) and are interested, the movie is "Before Sunrise". They just released a sequel called "Before Sunset" that happens ten years later but I haven't watched it yet. Go look it up on imdb for I'm sure much better descriptions then mine and bear in mind that I tend to like the movies that everyone else hates.

It's 1:30 in the morning and I get up early, and I feel a bit better for having got some of this off my chest so I think that I'll turn in for the night, thanks for reading if any of you did.

Night

-Pat