The Druid's Keep

Well, I'm bored and no one made an entry so I'm going to make one.

I'm at school at the beginning of a 3 hour break. I decided to not go this morning since I had a 8 am useless lab followed by a 3 hour break, then another useless lab and lec then another 3 hour break, which I am currently starting. I hadn't meant to miss the lecture at 1 but I ended up waiting at the bus stop for 1 hour before a bus came, while I should have only had to wait a couple of minutes. And so here I am, bored and tired, and feeling rather sorry for myself, but nobody wants to hear it, I just felt like writing.

Blaze's been really unhappy lately, and I don't know why, just the same old things I suppose, she seems to hate being around me, last night she left at 8 after spending the evening sleeping and ignoring me and making me feel like shit generally, but I don't think she's trying to make me feel bad, she just feels so bad and exudes this depressing cloud that affects me quite heavily. Probably part of the reason why when my alarm went off this morning I decided that I wouldn't go to class. Which of course meant that I would laze around all morning, getting nothing done, and making myself feel even worse.

In other news, I put some more photos of the park up... here

I just fell like nothing is interesting anymore, it sucks but oh well. I keep tying to find an interest and I admit that I do like computers but I can't seem to ever really get into programming or excited about something for a long period. Part of it is because I don't have any friends that share my interests, who I can talk with to let my interest grow. Part is because I really think that the most interesting thing is people, but I don't seem to be very good with people. I've been trying harder lately, but I have the unfortunate habit of acting like an idiot to cover up my shyness around people, so either I am very quit or if I force myself to socialize, which is something that I consider to be very important, I act goofy or stupid, something that I try very hard and with limited success to not do.

Blaze is my only good friend who I am fairly comfortable with but she can be very mean and so it's impossible to open up completely. I'm also a mean person though so I can't really complain. We tend to deal with our frustrations by being mean at each other and it rifts our relationship. Most of the time I feel very alone. I don't know what to do. I'm a very private person, and there are very few people around that I can be honest with. It's much easier to say things like this in writing then to a real person, and I know that people will read this, and I want them to but I could never address anyone specifically about this stuff.

It really comes down to either learning to be happy with what you have or if you can't going out and getting what you need to be happy. I'm at the point where I'm unhappy most of the time. I cope by skipping classes, sleeping a lot, watching TV, eating tons of junk food, spending money on gadgets (GPS, iPod, hard drive, DVD burner, LED flashlight, iTrip, iMic, webcam, USB key, mini fridge, airport express, tons of food, etc) - some are very nice to have, but really! -, ignoring school, ignoring the Jason project that I'm supposed to work on, etc. I just have no drive, I sit around and do nothing all the time and of course it makes me feel worse for all the time lost. I feel good when I've either managed to get work done, and be efficient and such or when I'm socializing. My happiest times over the summer were the parties and park functions with the HP front gate staff. Also I get along quite well with some of the people on grounds (where I work) so I like to spend time with them, even if the work sucks. There are reasons why I go to the front gate and stick around for hours after my shift is done, and I'm sad because I know that I'll probably not bother to keep in contact with anyone, not because I don't want to, but because I'm convinced that no one would want to do things with me outside of the park. Which may or may not be true. I think that most of the people at the park like me ok, but don't really consider me a friend, which sucks because I don't have a lot of friends. Though I do have some friends like Mawce and DA and I love spending time with them, and there's Myron, but I don't ever see him anymore, and he's too Christian for me to really get along with anyways, but at least I can talk about gadgets with him. I think maybe I'm just too unsure about myself, and I have the sort of personality that makes me hard to get along with.

I've been writing for half and hour... hmm...

Maybe I'll stop for now. I'm looking forward to Saturday, when I can spend some more time with people at the park...

bye

-Pat